No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
