I think I won the penis lottery.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
