whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Barsexuality is the new black.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize