The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
