My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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