nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
