Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
