Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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