I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
