My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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