Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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