one word: firstdatebathroomanal
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
