Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Two words: blizzard sex
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
