i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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