I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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