'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
