I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You ruined the universe
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
