Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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