I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
