i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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