that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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