Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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