i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
