At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
