I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He has the fingertips of a God
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