We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
