WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dicks are not precious.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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