Midget sex pt 2 tonight
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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