please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
