I like to think it a success when the cops are called
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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