can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
