I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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