why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
my liver is dry heaving
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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