I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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