My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
