i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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