She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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