just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
