Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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