What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
