I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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