So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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