He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
