Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
