well I can't set my house on fire every night
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
