Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
