Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
