my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
