Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
