wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
