You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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