I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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