So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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