I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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