Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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