is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
