Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
