So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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