all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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